EF10 - LSD Show Script

Last Modified: October-26-2009

People
Puppeteers / Actors
Props
Stages
Lightings
Act 1 - Arrival
Act 2 - The Riddle
Act 3 - Resolution

Demo videos:
Shirt and Tie

Backstage script:
Szenenaufbau.pdf

People:
Director: Cheetah
Script: Cheetah, Eisfuchs
Lights: Nightfox, Loewi
Sound: Cheetah, Jaryic
Set design: Tani, Cheetah
Backstage Support: Reesa

Puppeteers / Actors:
Lionel Scritchie (Lion, bow tie, white jacket, shades): Lynard
Lori (Fox, evening gown, jewellery): Eisfuchs
Poke (Ferret, Federboah): Fairlight
Mika (Snow leopard, evening gown, jewellery): Tani
Driver (Panda, newspaper): Tigerseye / Fairlight PreRec
Phantom (Phantom, dark cloak, hat): Tigerseye / Eisfuchs PreRec
Ray (Fox Rod puppet, baseball cap): Lynard
Cockroach (Cockroach, lab coat): Tigerseye / Cheetah PreRec
Storyteller: Uncle Kage
Shirt: Fairlight
Tie: Eisfuchs
Ghost_1 (2.3): Fairlight
Ghost_2 (2.3): Tani
Announcer Airport: Tani PreRec
Announcer (3.3): Cheetah PreRec
Crowd for the Gala (3.3): all available
Bats (1.1): Stage hands
Eyes in the dark - Lionel (1.4): Xan
Eyes in the dark - Mika (1.4): Xan
Eyes in the dark - Poke (1.4): Zefiro
Eyes in the dark - Lori (1.4): Zefiro
Eyes in the dark red left (1.4): Stage hands
Eyes in the dark red right (1.4): Stage hands
Eyes in the dark green (1.4): owolf
Bottles left (2.3): Xan
Bottles right (2.3): Zefiro
Leader (Tiger, 3.1): Tigerseye
Bodyguards (Golden Retriever, 2 x Racoon, 3.1): ?
Stage Hand white glove (3.1): Xan

Props needed: -> and organised by
White jacket and bow tie (Lionel) -> Reesa
blue "Federboa" (Poke)
Evening gown (Lori) -> Reesa
Evening gown (Mika)
Dark cloak and hat (Phantom)
2 Mirrors, nails and hammer (Intro)
Newspaper on a stick (or two) (1.1)
4 Opera tickets (1.1) -> Reesa
Bank note (1.1) -> Reesa
Red Buzzer Button (1.2, 3.4) -> Cheetah
Conductors desk (1.2, 3.4)
Conducting stick (1.2) -> Reesa
4 Eyes in the dark white (1.4)
8x 2 Rat eyes - red LEDs (1.4) -> Reesa
1 Ray's Eyes - green LEDs (1.4) -> Reesa
Small microphone (1.4)
Sunflowers with faces (2.3) -> Nightfox
Sun with face (2.3)
Brush and dust cloth (2.1) -> Reesa
Colourful clothes (2.2)
Lab coat (2.2)
Shirt with price tag (2.2) -> Reesa
Tie with eyes, mouth and price tag (2.2) -> Reesa
Shirt and tie in pieces (2.2) -> Reesa
Bottles on sticks (2.3) -> Nightfox
Bottle of wine (2.3)
Ghost_1 (2.3)
Ghost_2 (2.3)
Desk and diary (3.1)
Trapdoor with handle (3.1)
"Konfetti" and other flying stuff for trapdoor (3.1) -> Nightfox
White gloves (3.1)
Vase and flowers (3.2)
Mikrophone with stand (3.3)
Vegetables (3.3) -> Nightfox
Wine for Kage (real!) (3.3)
Dark cloak in pieces (3.3)
Silly clothes for the puppeteers (3.3) -> Themselves

Stages:
Stage 1: Airport backdrop "London Heathrow" in blacklight colours and taxi inside view
Stage 2: Opera hall: view to the stage, conductors desk, red button on the right
Stage 3: Below stage: boxes, pipes, path to the sewer
Stage 4: Sewer: rubbish
Stage 5: Wardrobe: Clothes left and right
Stage 6: Wine cellar: Bottles left and right
Stage 7: Office: Desk and diary
Stage 8: Corridor: Picture, Flowers

Songs:
SONG 001 - Bohemian Rhapsody
SONG 002 - Phantom of the Pawpet-Show
SONG 003 - Who wants to live forever
SONG 004 - Medley
SONG 005 - Muppets Theme

Ambiences:
AMBIENCE 001 - airport - Airport Sounds
AMBIENCE 002 - opera house 1 - Soft rain and thunder noises
AMBIENCE 003 - opera house 2 - Soft distant wind ... very distant thunder
AMBIENCE 004 - ray - dripping & rats scurrying
AMBIENCE 005 - sewer - Sewer, burbling, dripping & rats scurrying
AMBIENCE 006 - clothes - Very distant wind, clothes rustling, moths flying
AMBIENCE 007 - cellar - Stones crackling, low wind whistling around corners, rats scurrying, bottles clanking
AMBIENCE 005 - sewer - Sewer, burbling, dripping & rats scurrying
AMBIENCE 008 - - Low humming, distant rain, big ben in the distance
AMBIENCE 009 - - distant voices, wood creaking, distant rain, very distant thunder
AMBIENCE 010 - - audience murmuring
AMBIENCE 011 - birds - Birds chirping

Act 1 - Arrival

Scene 1 - Airplane! (ca. 8 min)

Puppets: Lori, Poke, Lionel, Mika, Driver
Props: newspaper, opera tickets, bank note, torch behind stage
Stage: Airport and Taxi
Sections: B (Taxi), C (Airport)
Music: SONG 001 - Bohemian Rhapsody
Setting: Airport backdrop visible "London Heathrow", Driver sits in the dark taxi
Sounds:
SFX 001 - Driver: "Hey you! Need a taxi?"
SFX 002 - Driver: "I can arrange that, but it costs extra."
SFX 003 - Driver: "Okay, get in!"
SFX 004 - Car door opens
SFX 005 - Car door closes
SFX 006 - "Hey guys! I haven't got all night!"
SFX 007 - "Who cares? Now tell me, where do you wanna go?"
SFX 008 - "Oh, we have lots of opera houses...
SFX 009 - "Oh! That's interesting. Nobody wanted to go ..."
SFX 010 - Engine starts and the ride starts
SFX 011 - "You have arrived at your destination! *bwahahaaaaa!*"
SFX 012 - Door creaks & slams

Tickets on stage in taxi for Mika to show them to the driver

Light on for Airport (Blacklight only)

Taxi is on stage, but invisible (dark), Tickets on stage

AMBIENCE 001 - Airport Sounds

Ding-dong

Announcer: "Passengers for flight 834 to Northern Elbonia please prepare for boarding at gate 5. Uh - Correction: Gate 6 ... Gate 7 ... Gate 8 ... Gate 9 3/4"

Descending airplane

Crash!

Ding-dong

Announcer: "Boarding to flight 834 to Northern Elbonia will be delayed due to technical difficulties. Thank you for your patience."

Descending airplane

Ding-dong

Announcer: "Flight 394, American Airlines, from Kansas, United States, has arrived at gate 2."

Fade in street ambience

Taxi fades into view

Taxi driver sits in taxi, reading a newspaper

Mika, Lionel, Poke, Lori come from the left, wearing best evening gown

Lionel: "Taxi! Taxi!"

Taxi driver puts down the newspaper

SFX 001 - Driver: "Hey you! Need a taxi?"

Poke: "No, we're waiting for a callboy! Can't you see the lust in the face of this proud gay lion?"

SFX 002 - Driver: "I can arrange that, but it costs extra."

Lionel: "No! Poke! That's not funny."

Poke (Beavis): "Hrr hrr hrr!"

SFX 003 - Driver: "Okay, get in!"

SFX 004 - Car door opens

Poke: "Anytime, honey!"

The four get into the taxi

SFX 005 - Car door closes

Lori: "Oh, I hate flying, the jet lag is killing me, and my stomach feels like it's still 500 feet high above the ground."

Poke: "500 feet? That's still closer than your sex life. That must be somewhere in outer space."

Lori: "Oh, I'm still feeling so sick. The plane went up and down and up and down and up and down and ..."

Lori bounces up and down while talking

The other puppets look up and down at her

Poke: "Well, if up and down and up and down is a problem for you it's no wonder you never get laid."

Lori: "Ooohh, you ...!"

Lionel: "Will you two shut up!"

SFX 006 - Driver: "Hey guys! I haven't got all night!"

Mika: "Hey, you don't sound british!"

SFX 007 - Driver: "Who cares? Now tell me, where do you wanna go?"

Mika: "To the opera house, please."

SFX 008 - Driver: "Oh, we have lots of opera houses. Big ones, small ones, old ones, new ones, some have more seats, some have less seats, so could you be a tad more specific?"

Lionel looks at the audience

Lionel: "Mika, show him the tickets."

Mika shows the Driver some tickets

SFX 009 - Driver: "Oh! That's interesting. Nobody wanted to go to *that* place for a *long* time. Who sold you these tickets?"

Lionel: "Lori took part in the gemini croquet contest and made the first price!"

Poke: "You mean these charcoal bricks from those commercials with that incredibly green reporter guy with the dildo haircut?"

Lori: "No, I didn't take part in any contest. I hate gemini croquets! They're so incredibly greasy and make my skin bloom with pimples all over. And even weeks afterwards I still feel ..."

Lionel: "Thank you Lori! That's exactly what we wanted to hear ... NOT!"

Lori: "I thought it was Poke who won the tickets."

Poke: "Do I look like I can read and write? Writing is for nerds. And even if I had won I'd rather have taken the guy's haircut."

Poke looks at Mika

Poke: "It was Mika."

Mika: "Uh ... No, it wasn't me either ... Isn't that a bit strange? If nobody of us did take part in this game, why did we get the tickets in the first place?"

Lionel: "I don't think it matters now. We are here. My guess is that it was Poke, and he was just too drunk to remember."

SFX 010 - Engine starts and the ride starts

The puppets mimic engine vibration

Short pause ...

Poke: "Ah, London ... City of l'amour!"

Lionel: "That's Paris, Poke."

Poke: "D'oh. Anyway. I'm going to the 'All you can yiff' buffet after the show. Lori, do you come, too?"

Lori: "No, I'm going to see 'Big Ben'."

Poke: "He he! If you want to see 'Big Ben' I can show it to you, right here!"

Lori (speechless): "*hrmpf*"

SONG 001 - Bohemian Rhapsody

chorus: "Is this the real life / is this just pawpetry / caught on a cab ride / far away from reality"

chorus: "Could not decide / who won the prize / not me ... (and not me! And me neither!)"

Lori: "I'm just a poor girl"

Poke: "With No sexuality!"

Lori: "POKE!"

Poke: "Because I'm easy come, easy go!"

Chorus: "Poke shut up! We all know!"

Chorus: "Anywhere this trip goes / Doesn't really matter / We'll see!"

Cab Driver: "You'll see!"

Lori: "Too late! / My time has come! / Sends shivers down my spine!"

Poke: "Singing bullshit all the time!"

Lori: "Ngggrrrg!"

Mika: "Cheer up, everybody! / It will be allright! / We'll see the show / and have a lot of fun!"

Poke: "Lori! Huu-hu-hu-huuuu! / Don't forget to cry! / I sometimes wish / You'd never been born at all!"

Cab driver: "HEY! CUT IT OUT! / YOUR CONSTANT QUARRELING IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!"

Poke: "Hey, sweety, keep cool! As soon as we'll arrive, we'll be gone!"

Cab driver: "Oh, good! Then let's speed this up!"

Car Speeds up --- vrooom!

Pawpets getting squashed in back of car because of the acceleration

Light goes more and more mad while driving - Fade out blacklight / blue, white, yellow

Car Brakes --- screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Pawpets getting squashed in front of car because of the sudden stop

Song Ends

Devilish light from below for the driver (torch behind the stage)

SFX 011 - Driver (bewitched voice): "You have arrived at your destination! *bwahahaaaaa!*"

Strobe

The puppets flee in fear to the right

All: "Aaaaaah!"

Pause ...

Lori comes back with a note in her mouth and gives it hesitantly to the driver

Lori: "Keep the change!"

Lori runs away

SFX 012 - Door creaks & slams

Light out

Scene 2 - The Opera House (7 min.)

Puppets: Poke, Lori, Mika, Lionel. Later in the middle: Phantom
Props: Mirrors left and right, chandelier, conductors desk, conducting stick, red button, Bats
Stage: Opera Hall
Sections: B
Music: SONG 002 - Phantom of the Pawpet-Show
Setting: Opera backdrop, conductor's desk on the left, red button on the right (unused), Mika, Lori, Lionel and Poke are on stage.
Sounds:
SFX 100 - Door creaks & slams
SFX 101 - Strange echoing back (surround fx)
SFX 103 - Orchestra sounds - Ta-da-damm
SFX 104 - Orchestra sounds - left-right-left
SFX 105 - Orchestra sounds - upwards
SFX 106 - Orchestra sounds - downwards
SFX 107 - Orchestra sounds - downwards with hit
SFX 108 - Orchestra sounds - silly melody
SFX 109 - Imperial march part 1
SFX 110 - Imperial march part 2
SFX 111 - Orchestra tuning
SFX 112 - Dallas theme
SFX 113 - swish-left
SFX 114 - swish-right
SFX 115 - Crickets chirping
SFX 116 - Thunder

Lights out

AMBIENCE 002 - Soft rain and thunder noises

SFX 100 - Door creaks & slams

Light red, white (strobo for the lightning)

Lionel: "Whoa, that was spooky."

Poke: "Man, is it possible that the brits are really strange people?"

Lori: "Poke! Stop being so discriminating! We are their guests!"

Poke: "Like being a guest at Anthrocon! Strange people around you, strange food at the hotel bar and their host is a cockroach."

Lori: "But did you see this strange glow in his eyes?"

Lionel: "I'm sure our m inds are just playing tricks on us. It was a long flight, it must be the jet-lag."

Poke: "Yeah, Lori knows all about it."

Lori: "About what?"

Poke: "Jet-lag."

Lori: "Why's that?"

Poke: "'Cuz you're here but your brain's still delayed! But don't worry. Fed-Ex will send it after you free of charge."

Lori: "Why you ... you ..."

Lori struggles for words

Poke: "See what I mean?"

Mika: "Uh, guys? Aren't there supposed to be some more people here?"

Poke: "Yeah! Yeah! So, where is everybody? Hello? Hello-o-o?"

SFX 101 - Strange echoing back (surround fx)

Lori (whimpers): "Oh, what a scary place this is."

Poke: "Yeah, cool! It seems like it's coming right out of a second class ghost movie."

Poke walks over to the conductor's desk while the others are talking

Lionel looks around

Lionel: "The seats are all empty, the stage is empty, too. But the lights are on. What's going on here? Mika, are you sure you got the date right?"

Mika: "Date? I have no date planned for ton ... Oh, that! Yes! The tickets are for tonight."

Lionel (thoughtful): "I don't get it."

Poke picks up the conducting stick

Poke: "Hey, look! I'm a conductor!"

Lori: "Poke! Put that down! You will get us into trouble again!"

Poke: "Who cares? There's nobody here!"

Poke waves the stick around

SFX 103 - Orchestra sounds - Ta-da-damm

Poke: "Whoa! Lionel! Look what I can do!"

SFX 104 - Orchestra sounds - left-right-left

SFX 105 - Orchestra sounds - upwards

SFX 106 - Orchestra sounds - downwards

SFX up/down repeat a couple of times

SFX 107 - Orchestra sounds - downwards with hit

Poke: "This is friggin' cool!"

SFX 108 - Orchestra sounds - silly melody

Poke stops waving

Lionel: "Stop being silly!"

Mika: "Give me that! You have no sense for music, let me try it."

Lionel: "But there is no orchestra!"

Poke: "It works anyway."

Mika takes the stick from Poke

Mika waves the stick

Light - blue

SFX 109 - Imperial march part 1

Mika: "My favourite!"

SFX 110 - Imperial march part 2

Lori: "Oh! Oh! Let me try it! I want to try it, too!"

Lori goes to Mika and takes the stick

Mika leaves to stand next to Lionel

Lori clears her throat

SFX 111 - Orchestra tuning

Lori waves the stick

SFX 112 - Dallas theme

All others: "Aaargh! Noo! Make it stop!"

Lori stops waving

Lori: "Aww ... Come on, I was *just* getting into the mood."

Lori sniffs

Poke: "I bet all your fantasies are about J. R. Ewing ... and his Big Ben!"

Lori: "Hmpf!"

Mika: "Lionel! Now you give it a try."

Lionel: "Okay ... If I really have to ..."

Lionel takes the stick from Lori

Lionel waves the stick

SFX 113 - swish-left

SFX 114 - swish-right

SFX repeat as long as lionel waves

Nothing happens

Lionel waves the stick

SFX 113 - swish-left

SFX 114 - swish-right

SFX repeat as long as lionel waves

Lionel stops waving

SFX 115 - Crickets chirping

Lionel: "Um ... It stopped working. Now let's get out of here."

Lionel throws the stick behind himself

SFX 113 - swish-left

SFX 116 - Thunder

Light out

Blacklight on

SONG 002 - Phantom of the Pawpet-Show

The phantom appears. Lionel and Mika leave the stage, Lori and Poke move closer to the middle

Spot on Phantom

Bats flapping

Phantom: "Welcome to my world! You will never get out of here unless you do what I want you to do! You are doomed! I'm gonna show you! I'm gonna show all of them!"

Phantom: "I lured you here to me / What will you do / In dreams you haunted me / Now I haunt you Will I be free again? For now, you'll find / The phantom of the pawpetshow is there / inside your mind ..."

Lori and Poke move to the center of the stage

Lori: "Why are we standing in / these haunted halls"

Lori: "I should have stayed at home ..."

Poke: "And scratched my balls!"

Lori: "Poke!"

Lori: "We must get out of here ..."

Poke: "Save our behinds!"

Lori: "Poke!"

Lori slaps poke HARD.

Poke: "OUCH!"

Lori: "The phaaaaaaaantom of the pawpetshow is there ... inside your mind!"

Mirrors break and chandelier crashes on the stage when Lori sings

Lights out

Scene 3 - Haunted House (4 min.)

Puppets: Lionel, Lori, Poke, Mika
Props: Dust cloud
Stage: Opera hall
Sections: B
Music: none
Sounds:
SFX 200 - Tam-ta-dam-dam (Dragnet Jingle Part 1)
SFX 201 - Tam-ta-dam-dam-daa ((Dragnet Jingle Part 2)
SFX 202 - THUD & Birds chirping
SFX 202b- FUMP
SFX 203 - thunk
SFX 204 - sirrrrrrr klunk
SFX 205 - thump
SFX 206 - crackle, crackle
SFX 207 - crashhhhhhh !!!
SFX 208 - heavy impact (Thump!)

Lori cries and cries

Lights fade in - blue, red, white

AMBIENCE 003 - Soft distant wind ... very distant thunder

Lori: "Why me! Trapped in a haunted opera house, with an evil phantom going after us! *Waahaaaa*"

Lionel: "You know what I think? Someone is playing a very very bad practical joke on us. You know what we are going to do? We will just turn around and leave this place."

Lionel turns around and stops

Lionel: "Uh ... wait ... the door is gone."

SFX 200 - Tam-ta-dam-dam (Dragnet Jingle Part 1)

Pawpets turn to the audience

SFX 201 - Tam-ta-dam-dam-daa ((Dragnet Jingle Part 2)

Pawpets turn to the right, then open mouth

Mika: "This must be an optical illusion. I'm not going to fall for it."

Mika runs for the invisible door and slams into the wall

Mika: "Waaaaahhhhh!"

SFX 202 - THUD & Birds chirping

Mika falls on the side

SFX 202b - FUMP

Mika (in pain): "On the other hand it might be worth reconsidering my theory."

Lori screams in panic

Lionel: "Oh, Lori, stop crying. There *must* be a way out of here. Everybody: Get looking!"

All puppets go to the elevator positions

Poke walks around a bit and jumps up and down a bit

SFX 203 - thunk

SFX 203 - thunk

Poke: "Hey guys, the stage sounds hollow! And there's a button here!"

Lionel, Mika, Lori: "NO! Don't press the ..."

Poke presses an invisible button below the stage and gets lifted down.

Lori, Mika and Lionel look to the hole

SFX 204 - sirrrrrrr klunk

Lionel, Mika, Lori: "... button."

Lori: "Poke? POKE!"

SFX 204 - sirrrrrrr klunk

Poke reappears

Poke: "Cool! It's a stage elevator. And there are even more of them over there."

Lionel: "Uh, where?"

Lionel descends

SFX 204 - sirrrrrrr klunk

Lionel: "Whoa!"

They fool around with the elevators, descending and reappearing, but never making it to get all of them downstage

SFX 204 - sirrrrrrr klunk

SFX repeats until ...

Finally all elevators are up again

Lionel: "Very funny... but how are we going to get all of them down at the same time?"

Poke: "I don't know! I tried every fucking button there is on this STINKING ..."

Poke curses and thumps at the floor

SFX 205 - thump

Poke: " ... SHITTY ... "

SFX 205 - thump

Poke: " ... STUPID ... "

SFX 205 - thump

Poke: " ... ROTTEN ... "

SFX 205 - thump

SFX 206 - crackle, crackle

Lionel: "Be careful or you might ..."

SFX 207 - crashhhhhhh !!!

All: "AAAAAAAH!"

All puppets fall down

Lionel (far away): "Thank you, Poke!"

Poke (far away): "You're welcome!"

SFX 208 - heavy impact (Thump!)

Dust cloud

Lori (far away): "Ouch!"

Lights out

Scene 4 - Ray, the Stand up Comedian (6 min)

Puppets: Lionel, Mika, Poke, Lori. Later Ray on the left
Props: Boxes, pipes, 4x Eyes in the dark, red eyes, green eyes, Microphone
Stage: Below Stage
Sections: B
Music: none
Setting: Drain leading down on the right side. Four pairs of EYES IN THE DARK, old stuff like boxes and pipes and rubbish
Sounds:
SFX 300 - squish
SFX 301 - Scurrying / hissing and murmuring / steps / "Is it *him*? ...
SFX 302 - Fozzie Bear theme
SFX 303 - Drum Hit
SFX-304 - kick & slide
SFX-305 - splurt!
SFX-306 - Fozzie Bear theme 2

Puppets are not on stage yet!

The microphone for Ray must already be up to make things easier

AMBIENCE 004 - dripping & rats scurrying

Light - Blacklight

Lionel (groans): "Nice job, Poke! Really nice."

Poke: "But you wanted to go downstairs, didn't you?"

Lionel: "Is ... uh ... everyone alright?"

Lori: "Eww ... I landed in something wet and smelly."

Poke: "Yeah, you're standing on my tail!"

Lori: "Oops!"

SFX 300 - squish

Lori steps aside

Mika: "Is that you, Lori? I can't see a thing down here. Did your breasts shrink since last time?"

Poke: "I don't know, but - oooh - feel free to continue, until I find my pants!"

Mika: "Eww! Yuck!"

Several pairs of red eyes (Rats) come on stage from both sides

SFX 301 - Scurrying sounds

Mika: "Did you hear something?"

SFX continues: hissing and murmuring noises from the rats

Poke, Lionel, Lori and Mika crouch together in the middle of the stage, whimpering

Lori: "They're coming right at us! Go away, go away!"

The red dots get closer and closer

A pair of green eyes (Ray) appears from the left and approaches the group

SFX continues: hard steps

Lori: "What's that?"

SFX continues: Rats: "Is it *him*?" - "Could it be *him* ?" - "Oh no, it's *him*!"

Rats flee to both sides

SFX continues: Rats: "Aaaaaah!"

Puppets must now stand behind their respective Eyes in the Dark

Ray: "Yes, it's me! Please welcome ..."

Eyes from the dark disappear, puppets are now visible

Spot on Ray - yellow, white

Light - white, red, yellow

SFX 302 - Fozzie Bear theme

Silence

Ray: "Ray, the stand-up comedian! Did I tell you the one about the man with the light-bulb in his nose? Well, he was light-headed! Ha ha ha!"

SFX 303 - Drum Hit

The microphone disappears

Spot out

The puppets stare at him, motionless

Poke (groan): "Who the heck are you?"

Ray: "I'm Ray, the stand-up comedian!"

Spot on Ray - yellow, white

SFX 302 - Fozzie bear theme

A microphone appears from downstage

Ray: "By the way, my friend asked me the other day if I took a bath that day and I asked him, Why? Is there one missing? Ha ha ha!"

SFX 303 - Drum hit

The microphone disappears

Spot out

Poke (groan): "Wha ... *argh!* Ok, *where* are we?"

Ray: "You are on-stage with Ray, the stand-up comedian!"

Spot on Ray - yellow, white

SFX 302 - Fozzie Bear theme

A microphone appears from downstage

Ray: "Oh, do you know why the man put a sweater on his hot dog? Because it was a chilli dog! Ha Ha ha ... ha ... ha ..."

SFX 303 - Drum hit

The microphone disappears

Spot out

Lori, Poke and Mika groan in pain

Ray looks around

Ray: "Well? This is supposed to be funny! Why aren't you laughing? *sob* No-ho-body likes my jo-ho-kes!"

Ray sobs

Mika: "Do you know what's going on in here?"

Lori: "Yes, please! *sob* We're lost, and we can't find a way out."

Ray (softly): "There *is* no way out."

Lori: "Oh no! We're cursed!"

Ray: "Cursed? Yes. We are all cursed! This whole *place* is cursed!"

Mika: "But why? Can you tell us why we are here?"

Ray: "No, I can't. But I *can* tell you why I am here. In the old days, when the sun was still shining, I used to be a performer on this stage. It was my dream to make people laugh ..."

Ray breaks down, sobbing.

Ray (desperate): "But I *failed*! *sob* *cry* And now I'm cursed and forced to live down here forever, until I *can* make people laugh. But I *still* fail! We have all failed! The only one laughing at me is this black hooded creature that's haunting this place, but for all the wrong reasons!"

Mika: "The black hooded creature! That's the one who brought us here!"

Ray: "The phantom? Why should it bring *you* here?"

Mika: "We hoped, *you* could tell us."

Ray: "If you want to know something about the phantom, there's only one person in this theater who knows more about it than I do. In fact, he is probably the only one who really knows something about what's going on here."

Mika: "But if you know all this, why don't you just ask *him* how to get out of here."

Ray: "He likes to talk, but it's hard to get anything useful out of him."

Mika: "Well, we don't have any choice, do we?"

Lori: "Oh, please! Tell us, where can we find him?"

Ray: "You just have to go down the drain and you will find him. He's living in the sewers ... alone."

Lori looks into the drain

Lori: "Oh no! I'm not going down there! I bet it's smelly and dirty and crawling with bugs and spiders!"

Poke kicks Lori

SFX-304: kick & slide

Lori: "Aaaah!"

Lori disappears into the drain

Poke: "See? Wasn't that hard, was it?"

SFX-305: splurt!

Poke flinches

Lori (far away): "Ewww!"

Poke: "Eww ..."

Lori (far away): "Okay, I'm in the sewers now. Are you coming with me?"

Poke: "Yuck! No! Do I look like I'm crazy? Of course not! I'm going to stay right where I am!"

Spot on Ray - yellow, white

SFX-306: Fozzie Bear theme 2

A microphone appears from downstage

Ray: "Hey! Do you know that one? A naked vixen comes into a bar, with a poodle under one arm and an incredibly long salami under the other."

All: "Oh no, no more jokes!"

Poke: "Run for your lives!"

Mika, Poke ans Lionel panic and jump down the hole

Mika: "aaaaah!"

Poke: "aaaaah!"

Lionel: "aaaaah!"

Ray: "The barkeeper asks her, I suppose you don't want anything to drink. And the vixen says ..."

Ray loks around

Ray: "Oh ... nevermind."

SFX-306: Fozzie Bear theme 2

The microphone disappears

Spot out

Ray disappears.

Lights out

Act 2 - The Riddle

Scene 1 - The Storyteller (4 min.)

Puppets: Poke, Lori, Mika, Lionel, on the right Cockroach
Props: wine rack, pipe, cloth and brush, rats
Stage: Sewer
Sections: B, C
Music: none
Sounds:
SFX 401 - Splash!
SFX 402 - Splurt!
SFX 403 - Slosh!
SFX 404 - *groan* Hey! Who's singing? I'm trying to get some sleep!"
SFX 405 - "I thought I had finally found the place where I could get some rest."
SFX 406 - "Sure. Which way did you come in?"
SFX 407 - "So, who are you? I've never seen *you* around here before."
SFX 408 - "Well, look at me! Do I look as if I'd like to be here? ...."
SFX 409 - "Oh, good Lord! Make her stop..."
SFX 410 - "I know, I know ... But there *is* no way out..."
SFX 411 - "Alright. You seem to be new around here..."
SFX 412 - "Well ... There are two things a good storyteller needs..."
SFX 413 - "It's in the wardrobe, number 42..."
SFX 414 - "And you two give me a hand cleaning this place up..."
SFX 415 - wiping
SFX 416 - wiping

An empty wine rack is on the right, a big pipe on the left

Lights out

AMBIENCE 005 - Sewer, burbling, dripping & rats scurrying

SFX 401 - Splash!

Poke: "Argh"

SFX 402 - Splurt!

Mika: "Eeek"

SFX 403 - Slosh!

Lionel: "Urgh"

Some fog

Light - green, white

Poke: "Oh, nice. Welcome to Sewerland, the smelliest place on earth."

The Puppets have spider webs in the fur, tin cans and other stuff

Lori: "Look at me, I'm all soaked with goo!"

Lionel: "I wonder which hideous creatures might be living in a place like this."

Poke (singing): "I am the great mighty poo and I'm gonna throw my shit at you ..."

Lori: "Poke, please, whatever creature *does* live down here I'm pretty sure you don't want to wake it up."

SFX 404 - Cockroach (off): "*groan* Hey! Who's singing? I'm trying to get some sleep!"

The Cockroach enters the scene from the right, sitting on the wine rack

SFX 405 - Cockroach: "I thought I had finally found the place where I could get some rest."

Lionel: "Excuse me. Could you help us out?"

SFX 406 - Cockroach: "Sure. Which way did you come in?"

The Cockroach looks around

Lionel: "Uh, no ... I mean ..."

SFX 407 - Cockroach: "So, who are you? I've never seen *you* around here before."

Lionel: "Ray, the standup comedian told us we would find someone here who could tell us something about this haunted place and ..."

Poke: "And this cheesy phantom guy."

Mika: "We've been trapped here, and we would very much like to find a way to leave as soon as possible."

SFX 408 - Cockroach: "Well, look at me! Do I look as if I'd like to be here? There's no way to leave. Now, go. Let me sleep."

Lori: "No ... way ... out ... ? But who is gonna water the flowers? And my hairdresser will be waiting for me next Wednesday!"

Lori sobs

Lionel, Poke, Mika: "Oh, oh ..."

Lori starts to cry

The others try to calm Lori down

SFX 409 - Cockroach: "Oh, good Lord! Make her stop, before she starts flooding the sewers!"

Mika: "Oh, please! You must help us to get out of here!"

SFX 410 - Cockroach: "I know, I know ... But there *is* no way out. It's all just stories and myths."

Lori stops crying and merely sobs

Lionel: "If there's a story behind it all, please tell us! Anything might be of help."

SFX 411 - Cockroach: "Alright. You seem to be new around here. But I don't *feel* like telling a story right now."

Lionel: "Is there anything we can do to *make* you feel better?"

SFX 412 - Cockroach: "Well ... There are two things a good storyteller needs. A bottle of wine, and a lab coat. If you get me those, I can tell you a story."

Lionel: "Alright. I'll go and get your coat. Where is it?"

SFX 413 - Cockroach: "It's in the wardrobe, number 42. And you, little vixen, are going to get me a bottle of wine from the cellar."

Lori: "The cellar? But it's dark down there and I bet it's ..."

Lionel: "Lori! You heard what he said. If you want to get out of here, just go and get the bottle."

Lori: "Uh ... Okay ... "

SFX 414 - Cockroach: "And you two give me a hand cleaning this place up until they come back."

Mika: "All right."

Poke: "All right."

Mika and Poke fetch some cloths and start to scrub at the stage

SFX 415 - wiping

SFX 416 - wiping

Poke (sings): "I'm just a little ferret, cleaning up this shit."

SFX 415 - wiping

SFX 416 - wiping

Lori and Lionel leave, the others keep cleaning up

Lights out

Scene 2 - Bennetton (5 min.)

Puppets: shirt and tie on the left, Lionel on the right.
Props: shirts, clothes, lab coat, shirt and tie in pieces
Stage: Wardrobe
Sections: B
Music: none
Sounds:
SFX 501 - door opens, closes
SFX 502 - door slam, thunder
SFX 503 - "ha hu ah weh ha ho ho ho ..." (loops)
SFX 504 - "HA!"
SFX 505 - "Make him pay for it!"
SFX 506 - "Benneton! *hu ha ha*"
SFX 507 - "A magician's shirt! *hu ha ha*"
SFX 508 - "Revenge! *hu ha ha*"
SFX 509 - "Shut up!"
SFX 510 - "Hummmmmmm..."
SFX 511 - "Yeah!"
SFX 512 - "Ouch!"
SFX 513 - "We! hate! people!"
SFX 514 - "Follow the leader! He is our past, our present, our future! *hu ha ha*"
SFX 515 - "Traitor ... traitor ..."
SFX 516 - ripping
Setting: Some pieces of colorful clothing hanging in the room, invisible for now, the shirt and tie are on the left side of section B, below the stage

AMBIENCE 006 - Very distant wind, clothes rustling, moths flying

Lionel enters the wardrobe from the right and looks around

Lionel gets lit from behind - yellow, white, mainstage is off

Some fog

SFX 501 - Door opens, closes

Lionel: "Hello? Is this the wardrobe?"

Shirt (off): "Yes!"

Lionel: "I'm looking for a lab coat from coat rack number 42. Can you help me finding it?"

Shirt (off): "No!"

Lionel: "Why not?"

Shirt (off): "Because you are going to die."

SFX 502 - door slam, thunder

Light - Flash, Strobe

Clothes appear (turn around)

Light - red, white

Some fog

SFX 503 - Clothes: ha hu ah weh ha ho ho ho ... (loops)

Clothes bounce in time with the chanting

A shirt with big-eyed tie is swaying around Lionel

Shirt: "Uuuuhuuuuuu ..."

Lionel crouches and shivers

Lionel: "Aah, no! I don't want to die!"

The shirt waves it's arms and boo-hoos

Shirt: "Wooooooohoooooo ..."

The shirt makes a move towards Lionel

Shirt: "You!"

SFX 504 - Clothes: HA!

Lionel startles

Lionel: "*gasp!*"

Shirt: "You have entered our realm and now we're going to make you pay for it!"

SFX 505 - Clothes (bouncing): "Make him pay for it!"

Lionel: "Who are you?"

Shirt: "We are the United Colors of Benneton!"

SFX 506 - Clothes (bouncing): "Benneton! *hu ha ha*"

Lionel screams but suddenly stops

Lionel: "Hey! Wait a minute! You are a shirt!"

The shirt stops swaying around

Shirt: "Yes! I am the shirt of the great magician Ali Bek Navi! Never underestimate a magician's shirt!"

SFX 507 - Clothes (bouncing): "A magician's shirt! *hu ha ha*"

Lionel: "Yes. You're a shirt and I am a lion! How's a lion supposed to get killed by a shirt?"

Tie: "I am his tie and I'm gonna strangle you!"

Lionel: "And how would you do that? Make me wear you?"

Tie: "Isn't he supposed to be scared?"

Shirt: "Shut up!"

Tie (facing Lionel): "Yes, shut up!"

Shirt: "Not him ... YOU!"

Tie: "What?"

Shirt: "Ah, forget it!"

Lionel: "So, why are you supposed to kill me?"

Shirt: "We've been hanging here for thousands of years, unused, forgotten, gathering dust. And now, we're taking revenge!"

SFX 508 - Clothes: "Revenge! *hu ha ha*"

Lionel: "Revenge, what for?"

Tie: "Yeah, what for?"

Shirt: "Will you shut up?"

SFX 509 - Clothes: "Shut up!"

Shirt (angry): "SHUT UP!"

SFX 510 - Clothes: "Hummmmmmm..."

Brief pause

Shirt: "We hate people!"

SFX 511 - Clothes: "Yeah!"

Shirt: "First they cut our patterns out of a piece of fabric and stitch us together with pointy needles!"

SFX 512 - Clothes: "Ouch!"

Shirt: "Then they throw us into boiling hot water and swirl us around! They bleach us and beat us, dry us with searingly hot air! They torture us with hot irons and fold us into unthinkable shapes, stacking us in dark lockers!"

Shirt breathes

Shirt: "We! hate! people!"

SFX 513 - Clothes: "We! hate! people!"

Shirt: "I still remember my first washing! I could not breathe, I could not move! The bleach was burning in my eyes, and they spun me around, and around, and around! *wheeze* *wheeze*"

The shirt puts its arms over its neckhole

Tie: "Yes, he wakes up every night, screaming, tormented by horrible nightmares!"

Shirt: "So I founded the United Colors of Benneton, the league against cruel treatment of evening attire."

Lionel (doubtful): "So... you got washed, and burned, and ironed and stuff?"

Shirt (miserable): "Yes!"

Lionel: "And that made you the leader of the coat rack?"

Shirt: "Yes!"

SFX 514 - Clothes: "Follow the leader! He is our past, our present, our future! *hu ha ha*"

Lionel: "Now, wait a minute. What is that? Is that a price tag?"

Shirt: "Oh, that? Ah, no ... that's only ... nothing ..."

Lionel (to the tie): "And you still have your price tag, too. You're fresh. You two have never been worn at all, let alone having been washed! You two are lying to me!"

Tie: "Oh, oh!"

Shirt: "We ... we were sold second hand!"

Tie: "Yes, second ... thingie ... what he said ..."

SFX 515 - Clothes: "Traitor ... traitor ..."

The clothes gather around the shirt and tie and rip them apart, tearing them from the string. More small pieces of clothing come jumping from below and attack the shirt and tie

Shirt: "No! No! I can explain! Please! Stop! No, nooo!"

SFX 516 - ripping

Parts of fabric fly from below the stage into view

There's a lab coat hanging behind the shirt

Lionel takes the coat from the string

Lionel: "Strange creatures ..."

Lights out.

Scene 3 - The wine cellar (7 min.)

Puppets: Lori from the left, Ghost1, Ghost2
Props: Sunflowers, Sun, Bottles
Stage: Wine cellar
Sections: A, B, C
Music: SONG 003 - We're trapped in here forever
Setting: Lots of bottles on the stage and in the background. Two bottles (Ghosts) are standing in the middle of the stage.
Sounds:
SFX 600 - Small World
SFX 601 - hiss, plopp
SFX 602 - bottle rustling sounds
SFX 603 - hiss, plopp II
SFX 604 - Bottles scraping
SFX 605 - Bottles toppling over
SFX 606 - Bottles clanking and crashing on the ground, spilling fluid
SFX 607 - "She spilled them! She spilled them!"
SFX 608 - "Aaah!" / bottles shivering and clanking in panic / fleeing bottles
SFX 609 - Bottles shivering in fear .. *bibber*bibber*clank*bibber*
SFX 610 - Waaah! / bottles shivering and clanking in panic / fleeing bottles
SFX 611 - Bottles shivering in fear .. *bibber*bibber*clank*bibber*
SFX 612 - *grrrrrrrrrrr* / Bottles: "Come on guys! Together we are strong!..."
SFX 613 - bottles crash

Light - green, red

AMBIENCE 007 - Stones crackling, low wind whistling around corners, rats scurrying, bottles clanking

Lori enters the stage from the far left.

Lori: "Oh, no ... It's scary and dark ... What did Momma say? When you're alone in the dark and scared, sing a song. But what should I sing?"

Lori clears her throat and starts singing.

SONG 003 - Who wants to live forever

Lori: There's no time for us / There's no place for us

Lori: Why did they send me down this dungeon / to get whine for us

Lori: We're trapped in here forever / We're trapped in here forever / Uhhhhuuuhhuuuuuuuuu

Lori: We're all gonna dieeeeeee!

Lori starts to cry

Lori (sobbing): "No ... this is not going to cheer me up. *sniff* I've got to find another song."

SFX 600 - It's a small world starts playing aggressively

Sunflowers with faces waving around, a big cheeky sun is hovering above

Lori (gasping): "Aaaah! No, not that one! Make it stop, make it stop!"

Lori gasps and pants

Song stops with a BANG!

Lori reaches the left side of section B

Lori: "Well, this must be the wine cellar. I'll just grab a bottle and run!"

Lori grabs Ghost_1's bottle and tries to run away, but the bottle would not move

Lori: "*hrrrrgh* *gnnnh*"

Some fog

Ghost_1 comes out of the bottle

SFX 601 - hiss, plopp

Ghost_1: "Hey you! Can't you just knock like everyone else?"

SFX 602 - bottle rustling sounds

Lori screams and runs a few steps

Lori (scared): "Who are you?"

Ghost_1: "Isn't that obvious? I'm a ghost in a bottle. Never heard of us before?"

SFX 602 - bottle rustling sounds

Lori: "Uh ... no."

Ghost_1: "Well where have you been living? A hole in the ground?"

SFX 602 - bottle rustling sounds

Lori: "No. Kansas."

Ghost_1: "Well, close enough."

SFX 602 - bottle rustling sounds

Ghost_2 comes out of the bottle

SFX 603 - hiss, plopp II

Ghost_2: "Look, who's talking! I know of someone who has been sitting inside a bottle for all his life!"

Ghost_1: "Very funny, very funny. I've only heard this joke about five hundred times."

Lori: "Uh ... Excuse me ... Could I please have a bottle of wine?"

Ghost_1: "What do you want it for? Give me one reason why we should let you. This wine cellar is ours. Get lost!"

Lori: "The cockroach needs it! So he can tell us, how to get out of this place."

Ghost_2: "Nobody knows how to get out of here. Take me for example. My butt has been stuck inside this bottle for two thousand years now! A hundred and fifty years ago I was put onto the other shelf and for me that felt like a *vacation*!"

Lori: "I could put you anywhere you like."

Ghost_1: "Hey, and what about me? That bitch over there has been moved around three times now within the last thousand years. That's more than I could ever dream of!"

Ghost_2: "If you're gonna move him, could you place him somewhere out of my hearing range?"

Ghost_1: "Alright. We'll make a deal. You help us move, and we will give you a bottle of wine."

Lori: "Okay."

Lori lifts up Ghost_1 and tries to move him, but he is very heavy.

SFX 604 - Bottles scraping

Lori stumbles around, knocks it over and spills the second ghost as well in the process

Ghost_2: "Easy! Careful!"

SFX 605 - Bottles toppling over

Ghost_1: "Woaa aaaah!"

SFX 606 - Bottles clanking and crashing on the ground, spilling fluid

The other bottles turn around and gasp in horror

SFX 607 - Bottles: "She spilled them! She spilled them!"

One half of the bottles starts huddling on one side, the other half on the other side of the stage

SFX 608 - Bottles: "Aaah!" / bottles shivering and clanking in panic / fleeing bottles

Lori: "Whoops! I'm so sorry!"

Lori tries to go over to the group of bottles in section C

Lori: "I only need one bottle of wine."

SFX 609 - Bottles shivering in fear .. *bibber*bibber*clank*bibber*

The bottles gasp in fear and run past Lori to the other side, joining the other group

SFX 610 - Bottles: *GASP* Waaah! / bottles shivering and clanking in panic / fleeing bottles

Lori: "Hey! Wait!"

Lori runs over to the other side and all bottles run past her again

SFX 611 - Bottles shivering in fear .. *bibber*bibber*clank*bibber*

Lori: "Oh, please!"

The bottles start growling at Lori

SFX 612 - *grrrrrrrrrrr* / Bottles: "Come on guys! Together we are strong!" / *rrrrRRRRRRRRRAAAAARGH* / bottles growling and running

The bottles start chasing after Lori

Lori: "Aaaah!"

Lori flees

The bottles and Lori disappear from the stage

SFX 613 - bottles crash

Light out

Lori (off): "Ouch!"

Scene 4 - The Story

Puppets: Mika, Poke, Lionel, Lori, on the right: Cockroach with coat
Props: wine rack with bottle
Stage: Sewer
Sections: B, C
Music: none
Setting: Back at the Cockroach's sewer. The Cockroach wears his coat and sits on a wine bottle in the rack. There's a complicated drain pipe construction on the left side
Sounds:
SFX 701 - "Oh, thank you for the wine and the lab coat..."
SFX 702 - Moody Music
SFX 702b - "Nobody knows, why this place exists, but ..."
SFX 703 - "I don't know. All I know is that on every full moon..."
SFX 704 - "Nobody knows a way out. But still, some people..."
SFX 705 - Cockroach: "Follow this drain pipe and take the third intersection to the left. Then go up until you reach the bathroom. From there it's the hallway to the right."
SFX 706 - Cockroach: "The pleasure is all mine. *bwahahaa*"
SFX 707 - Cockroach: "Oh, I'm sorry. Happens to me all the time."

AMBIENCE 005 - Sewer, burbling, dripping & rats scurrying

Light - green, white, blue

SFX 701 - Cockroach: "Oh, thank you for the wine and the lab coat. Now I really feel like telling a story."

The puppets make themselves comfortable

Lori: Oh yes ... tell us a story, Uncle Cockroach!

SFX 702 - Moody Music

SFY 702b - Cockroach: "Nobody knows, why this place exists, but for some reason, it does. This is the *Opera House of the Damned*. A long time ago there were a great number of performers in this house, offering all kinds of entertainment: plays, music, operas, even variety shows. But the good actors soon left the place for the big stages, and all that was left is what you're seeing here: amateurs, third grade actors, tone deaf musicians. The performances dropped in quality and even got so bad that the people demanded their money back. On one day, in a fit of anger and disappointment, the audience literally started a riot. They tore the place apart, smashed the windows and suddenly the house went up in flames. There was a huge panic, a lot of people died on that day. Before he passed away, the manager of the theater swore an oath: The souls of all the actors shall be damned to dwell in this place, unable to find peace, until they finally will have learned their craft, proving themselves worthy in the reigns of true artists."

Lionel: "And the phantom? Who is he?"

SFX 703 - Cockroach: "I don't know. All I know is that on every full moon - at midnight - there is a large gala performance, where the phantom lets all of the actors prove their skills on stage. And if they are good enough, their souls will find peace. Until now, this has never happened, it seems that the actors still have a lot to learn until they can finally leave this place"

Lori: "And what about us? We are no actors. How can we get out of here."

SFX 704 - Cockroach: "Nobody knows a way out. But still, some people have disappeared, and rumor has it, that they went through a secret passage hidden in the office of Eric, Eric the evil executive. Nobody has been talking to Eric for a long time, and his office is heavily guarded by his men, because he fears the wrath of his former employees."

Lionel: "Where do we find the office?"

SFX 705 - Cockroach: "Follow this drain pipe and take the third intersection to the left. Then go up until you reach the bathroom. From there it's the hallway to the right." Lori: "Oh, thank you so much!"

SFX 706 - Cockroach: "The pleasure is all mine. *bwahahaa*"

Lionel: "What was that?"

SFX 707 - Cockroach: "Oh, I'm sorry. Happens to me all the time."

The puppets leave to the left

Light out

Act 3 - Resolution

Scene 1 - Eric, the evil Executive

Puppets: Lori, Mika, Poke, Lionel, Leader, Bodyguards
Props: Torch below the trapdoor, Konfettikanone, desk, book, trapdoor, wall
Stage: Office
Sections:A, B and B, C
Setting: The bodyguards are standing on the middle of the stage, a wall to their right, the bureau is in section C
Music: none
Sounds:
SFX 801 - rumpel, Rumpel, RUMPEL!
SFX 802 - Bullet time swoooosh, heartbeat
SFX 803 - Poomph ... uaaaaaargh
SFX 804 - Poomph ... raaaaaaargh
SFX 805 - Poomph ... hueeeeaaarg
SFX 806 - Reverse Bullet time swooosh
SFX 807 - Office door opens
SFX 808 - Eric: "June 23rd: I don't know what to do. What ever I try to make it better only makes it worse. The people are mad at me. This whole place is cursed, and that's just because of me. I sat down and thougt it over. What was I thinking, becoming a theater manager? I should have become a butch-"
SFX 809 - Screek
SFX 810 - POOOOF! "AaarraarlrlrlllglglgllY!
SFX 811 - slam
SFX 812 - screek
SFX 813 - "Hey! You!"
SFX 814 - "ARrrrrrrrrrr"
SFX 815 - Slam!
SFX 816 - Screek
SFX 817 - Slam & Phantom of the Opera music / "Muahahahaaa! I fooled you!..."
SFX 818 - Screek
SFX 819 - slap

Light - red, white

AMBIENCE 008 - Low humming, distant rain, big ben in the distance

Puppets enter the stage from the left, approaching the bodyguards

Leader: "Stop right where you are. This is the office of Eric, the evil Executive. What's the secret password?"

Poke: "The secret password is 'Fuck You'!"

Leader: "Easy, little one. We don't want to hurt you."

Lionel: "We want to see Eric."

Leader: "How interesting. Do you have an appointment?"

Lionel: "No."

Leader: "Problem solved. Good bye."

Lionel turns to his friends

They retreat a few steps: Lionel walks between Lori and Mika

Lionel: "It seems we're not getting far this way. These guys seem to be tough."

Lori: "So, what are we going to do now?"

Mika: "Hm ... I think I have an idea ... Trust me, and play along."

Mika turns to Poke.

Mika: "Hey Poke!"

Poke turns around

Poke: "What?"

Mika: "Did you hear that?"

Poke: "No. What do you mean?"

Mika: "That guy over there called you a fruitcake!"

Lionel and Lori start giggling

Poke: "So?"

Mika: "Well, uh, he said, that you are the most boring, close-to-normal fruitcake he ever saw. Rather lame!"

Poke: "What? Which one of them said that? This guy's asking for trouble."

Mika: "The one in the front. And the other guy said, that your Momma is so ugly, when she joined an ugliness contest they said 'Sorry, no professionals!'"

Lionel and Lori giggle

Poke: "Well, my Dad was blind, so he couldn't care less."

Mika: "Okay ... and he said, that she must have put you into a catholic kindergarten because you're looking so well behaved."

Poke: "WHAT?! *rrrrrrr* Catholic? Well behaved? So they think I'm just the average nice guy from the neighborhood?"

Lori: "Ah, well, actually that's pretty close to what the third one said."

Poke (angry): "*grrr* *rrrrhh* *hrrrnn*"

Lionel: "Poke! Are you going to swallow that?"

Lori: "You can't let them be so mean to you!"

SFX 801 - rumpel, Rumpel, RUMPEL!

Poke (mad): "That's enough! I'll show them! I'll show them how harmless I am! Aaah"

??

SFX 802 - Bullet time swoooosh, heartbeat

Poke runs and knocks the first guys over like a bowling pin, in bullet time. (Guy on sticks fly away)

SFX 803 - Poomph ... uaaaaaargh

Poke runs and knocks the first guys over like a bowling pin, in bullet time. (Guy on sticks fly away)

SFX 804 - Poomph ... raaaaaaargh

Poke runs and knocks the first guys over like a bowling pin, in bullet time. (Guy on sticks fly away)

SFX 805 - Poomph ... hueeeeaaarg

SFX 806 - Reverse Bullet time swooosh

Poke: "Ha! Was that harmless enough for you losers? *gasp* *pant*"

Mika: "All right, the coast is clear! Let's move in!"

They enter the office

SFX 807 - Office door opens

Switch positions: Poke, Mika, Trapdoor, Lionel, Lori, desk

Light on the office - green, white

Lionel: "Nice move, Poke. But ... where is Eric?"

Mika: "Obviously he's not here. The office is deserted."

Lori looks at the desk.

Lori: "There's a diary on the desk. It's still open."

Lionel joins Lori at the desk

Lionel: "Let's see, what it says."

Mika starts searching the office.

SFX 808 - Earic: "June 23rd: I don't know what to do. What ever I try to make it better only makes it worse. The people are mad at me. This whole place is cursed, and that's just because of me. I sat down and thougt it over. What was I thinking, becoming a theater manager? I should have become a butch-"

Lori looks harder at the diary, but there's nothing more to see

Lori turns to Lionel

Lori: "A butch? What's a butch?"

Poke: "Yeah ... Sounds kinky."

Lionel: "I think he meant 'butcher' ... But there it stops. That's the last word. There are only empty pages after that."

Lori: "Very strange."

Mika: "Look what I found! There's a trapdoor under the carpet!"

Lionel: "That must be the secret passage leading out of here!"

Poke: "Okay! Who goes first?"

Lori: "Always the one who asks!"

Poke: "Uh ... mh ... alright ..."

Poke goes over to Mika and the trapdoor

Poke: "Here we go, then ..."

Poke opens the trapdoor

SFX 809 - Screek

main lights dim

glaring light from the trapdoor (torch from below the trapdoor)

SFX 810 - POOOOF! "AaarraarlrlrlllglglgllY!

Lots of paperchips flying from the trapdoor

Lori screams

Poke jumps back

Trapdoor slams shut

S SFX 811 - slam

main lights on

Poke (screams): "Aaah! I'm not going to touch that again! Never, ever!"

Poke hides behind Mika

Lori: "Yes, Poke. That's the first time we have the same opinion about something."

Poke trembles

Lionel: "But we must get through the trapdoor. Let's try it again."

Lori, Poke: "After you."

Lionel grunts and goes to the trapdoor, opening it.

S SFX 812 - screek

Stage hand comes from the trapdoor, "looking" around.

SFX 813 - suiiiii - Stage_Hand: "Hey! You!"

Stage_Hand attacks and strangles Lionel

SFX 814 - Stage_Hand: "ARrrrrrrrrrr"

Lionel: "Aaarraarlrlrlllglglgllg!"

Stage_Hand shows the audience the middle finger and disappears again, slamming the trapdoor shut

SFX 815 - poing - suiii - Slam!

Lionel (coughing): "Poke, I think you're right."

Mika (sighs): "Oh well ... It's always the same. You want something done, you've got to do it yourself."

Mika opens the trapdoor and jumps inside without hesitation

SFX 816 - Screek

Mika (shouting): "Geronimoooo!"

Trapdoor closes

SFX 817 - Slam & Phantom of the Opera music

light out

Phantom appears on the right side of the stage

Spot on the phantom - red, white

SFX 817 continues: Phantom: "Muahahahaaa! I fooled you! You will never leave this place! But thank you! You've done exactly what I wanted you to do! Now, goodbye!"

Fog behind the phantom

Phantom disappears

main lights

The trapdoor opens

SFX 818 - Screek

Mika comes crawling out from the trapdoor

Mika: "That's boring. There's absolutely nothing down there. This is a dead end."

Lori: "A dead end? No ... way ... out?"

Lori starts to cry

lights out

Lionel: "Oh, shut up!"

SFX 819 - slap

Lori: "Ouch!"

Poke: "Thank you."

Scene 2 - Reflections

Puppets: Poke, Lionel, Mika, Lori
Props: Vase and flowers in the background
Stage: Corridor
Sections: B
Music: none
Sounds: none

The puppets enter the stage from the left

Light - red, yellow

AMBIENCE 009 - distant voices, wood creaking, distant rain, very distant thunder

Lori: "This way?"

Lionel: "I think it was that way."

Poke: "No, I think we should've gone the other way."

Lionel: "I'm not so sure."

Mika: "What's this?"

Lionel: "Just another corridor."

Lori: "Oh, jeez! Does this place ever *end*?"

Poke: "We should have taken the way back through the sewers."

Lionel: "Yuck!"

Mika: "Eww!"

Lori: "No way! My paws are still sticky and smelly from the first time we went through."

Lionel: "I hate to admit it, but it seems, we are lost."

Poke: "Nice work Mr. Smart-Ass."

Lionel: "As if it was my fault! And it certainly doesn't help to sit around, bitching and whining."

Lori: "You can't blame us for bitching and whining! We are lost in a haunted house, and the only clue we had turned out to be nothing more than a story. We're stuck here, with no idea where we are, where to go or what to do!"

Poke: "Or when to shut up!"

Lionel: "Look who's talking. You and your big mouth have caused us more trouble than anything else. I'm just trying to find a logical way out of this."

Poke: "Uuuh, logical way! You're really such a smart-ass! Then why don't you get us out of here instead of talking? If we had just followed my nose we'd be home already!"

Mika (louder): "Yeah right, back through the sewers, great nose of yours! Wait until I get this storyteller guy into my paws! Nobody messes with Mika!"

Lori: "Oh, please, stop yelling! Does everything you do have to be so aggressive? You have been like this since I first met you and it freaks me out!"

Mika: "Oh, and you have been a *ton* of help yourself, by the way. You're such a coward!"

Lori: "Yes, I am a coward! And I am proud to be a coward! And I can't help it! Being a coward is not always a bad thing. I mean, who is the one with the bumps on her head? Me or you? I am, what I am!"

Poke: "And so am I! I mean ... not like you."

Lionel: "You know, I think you're right."

Poke: "What? What did I say?"

Lionel: "We are, what we are, we should get along with each other. We all have our merits and flaws and we shouldn't blame each other for that. I mean ... remember the comedian. I'm pretty sure even that guy has some skills, even if it's not telling jokes."

Mika: "That's a very diplomatic way of putting it."

Lionel: "Honestly, I think if there's something you know you're *bad* at, there is always something else you're *good* at. If you try to be something you aren't, you will fail, no matter what. And as it seems, *we* know our skills pretty well."

Mika (thoughtful): "Hm, I see. At least it makes us different from all the people living here. So let's keep it that way."

Poke: "Yeah, just look at them. Singers who can't sing, actors who can't play a role, comedians without any sense of humor ... I mean, why do they try to keep this up?"

Lionel: "Remember what the cockroach said? Every month there is a big show and they want to pass the test, so they might be allowed to leave this place!"

Lori: "Well, how are *we* supposed to leave then? Do we have to perform, too?"

Poke: "I've never had performance problems, not even in public!"

Lionel: "I believe the only one who can tell us what to do is the phantom himself. He's the one who decides who must stay and who may go. There must be a reason to all of this."

Mika: "So let's go!"

Poke: "Go where?"

Lionel: "Mh ... This way."

Mika: "No, that way!"

Poke: "What about the way back?"

Lionel: "No! Don't you guys ever listen! We've got to find out when the next *show* is going to take place."

Poke: "And how are we supposed to find out?"

Lori: "Poke, we're in an opera house. We'll just go to the box office and ask. If they don't know, nobody does."

Poke: "Okay, which way to the box office?"

Lori: "This way."

Mika: "No, that way!"

Lori: "No!"

Lionel: "Aaaaargh!"

Light out

Scene 3 - The phantom demasked

Puppets: Lionel, Poke, Phantom, Uncle Kage, Ray, Lori, Mika
Props: Microphone with stand
Stage: Opera hall
Sections: B
Music: SONG 004 - Medley
Setting: Main hall, a microphone stands in the middle of the stage
Sounds:
SFX 901 - Announcer: "Ladies and genlemen! Welcome to our monthly show!..."
SFX 902 - Audience: Booo!
SFX 903 - splurt, splosh
SFX 904 - crash & Fozzie bear theme
SFX 905 - "That's all from Ray, the stand-up comedian! ..." / Phantom of the Opera ...
SFX 906 - struggling, beating, ripping
SFX 907 - "Ooooh!"
SFX 908 - "No, nooo!"
SFX 909 - "I ... I ... I don't know ..."
SFX 910 - "No, I'm not."
SFX 911 - "Oh well ... *sigh* ... I don't know! Honestly! Sometimes, people ..."
SFX 912 - Sad Music / "All I wanted was to learn from you! That's why ..."
SFX 913 - "Yes, rub it in! Of course I am! I am a cockroach! ..."
SFX 914 - "Because it's my destiny. I descend from a family of actors..."
SFX 915 - "And what would that be?"
SFX 916 - "Do you really think so? To be honest, I always liked ..."
SFX 917 - "Oh ... maybe you're right. I should stop trying to be an actor..."
SFX 918 - (optional) "Yes! I'm going to be a storyteller! Thank you! I'm free! Yahooo!!!!"
SFX 919 - Smack kiss plopp

lights out

Spotlight searching around - white

AMBIENCE 010 - audience murmuring

Moonlight

SFX 901 - Announcer: "Ladies and genlemen! Welcome to our monthly show! As always we have a number of stunning performances for you. And let's start right away with ... Ray, the stand-up comedian!"

SFX 901 continues - Applause

Moonlight off

Ray enters the stage and steps over to the microphone

SFX 901 continues - Fozzie bear theme

Light - red, white dim

Spot on Ray

Ray: "Hi everybody. Do you know the ..."

The audience starts booing and pelting Ray with vegetables

SFX 902 - Audience: Booo!

Ray: "Hey! What ... ? *argh*"

SFX 903 - splurt, splosh

Ray falls backwards

SFX 904 - crash & Fozzie bear theme

SFX 905 - Announcer: "That's all from Ray, the stand-up comedian! Better luck next time! And now, welcome our host! The one, the only, the mighty ... Phantom of the Puppet Show!"

SFX 905 continues - Phantom of the Opera theme

SFX 905 continues - Audience applauds

The phantom appears on stage

Light - red, blue

SFX 905 continues - Phantom: "Muahaha! Welcome my dear artists! As every month tonight is the night of the great contest! Tonight will be determined, who will stay and who will go. And therefore now we will ..."

Lionel, Poke, (Phantom), Lori, Mika enter the stage through stage elevators

SFX 905 continues - sirrr klunk

Mika: "There he is!"

Lionel: "Get him!"

Poke: "Banzai!"

Lori: "Aaaaaaah!"

They jump at the phantom and tear his costume apart

SFX 906 - struggling, beating, ripping

The phantom is now the cockroach

A brief pause

Light - red, yellow, white

Lionel: "What the hell?"

Lori: "It's you?"

SFX 907 - Audience: "Ooooh!"

Mika: "You are the phantom?"

SFX 908 - Cockroach: "No, nooo!"

Mika: "Who are you? And ... how do we get out of here?"

Lionel: "Don't you dare to move! You owe us an explanation!"

SFX 909 - Cockroach: "I ... I ... I don't know ..."

Lionel: "But you are the big one here! You decide who must stay and who may leave! You are supposed to know the way out of here!"

SFX 910 - Cockroach: "No, I'm not."

Lionel: "If it's not you, who is? What happens to the people who pass the test?"

SFX 911 - Cockroach: "Oh well ... *sigh* ... I don't know! Honestly! Sometimes, people just disappear. I don't have a clue, when or why!"

SFX 911 continues - Audience starts to murmur

Lori (sobbing): "You don't know? Then why did you put us through all this? Why? And why us?"

$ SFX 912 - Cockroach (broken, sad music): "All I wanted was to learn from you! That's why you're here. Each one of you has a special trait. You, Lori, were so fearful, Poke so violent! Mika's courage was extrodinary, and Lionel never failed to use his logic! I forced you into special situations that made each of you express their individual traits in a way, an actor would do .... but in reality. I wanted to see what violence looks like. I wanted to see, how a person with wits would think their way through a situation. I wanted to see how courage and fear are expressed! An actor like me has to know how to show emotions!"

Mika: "But you are a *bad* actor!"

SFX 913 - Cockroach: "Yes, rub it in! Of course I am! I am a cockroach! How expressive would *you* be if you had an exoskeleton?"

Lionel: "So, if you know all this ... Why do you still try to be an actor?"

SFX 914 - Cockroach: "Because it's my destiny. I descend from a family of actors and so I was meant to become an actor as well. But I'm a failure! Like everyone else in this rotten place! *sob* I have no talents, I'm worthless."

The cockroach breaks down in a heap

Lori steps over to the cockroach

Lori: "No, you're not. Nobody's worthless. And you have talents. You wouldn't have been able to fool us without one very special talent."

SFX 915 - Cockroach (weak): "And what would that be?" Lori: "I think you're a very good story teller. When you told us the tale of the haunted opera house, everyone went silent and listened to the end. That's a gift not many people have. You could make that your new profession!"

SFX 916 - Cockroach: "Do you really think so? To be honest, I always liked to tell stories. It began when I was a little boy. I was inventing worlds and people and I ..."

Lionel: "Sorry to interrupt you, but we don't have the time for another story right now."

SFX 917 - Cockroach: "Oh ... maybe you're right. I should stop trying to be an actor. Maybe I should entertain people with my stories. I ..."

Fog comes up

SFX 917 continues - MAGICAL POOF!

The cockroach disappears

Uncle kage appears at the same position

Main light

Spot on Kage

SFX 918 - (optional) Kage: "Yes! I'm going to be a storyteller! Thank you! I'm free! Yahooo!!!!"

Kage gives Poke a big kiss

SFX 919 - Smack kiss plopp

Fog comes up

Kage runs off stage

Poke: "Hey! Where did he go? Where is he?"

Lionel: "Hmm, he's gone!"

Mika: "Hey, do you remember the last sentence in Eric the evil executive's diary? It's the same thing! He also realized what his true talents were, and *poof*! He was gone!"

Lionel: "Yes! That's it! That's the way people leave this place! Now all we have to do is tell everybody, and they will be free!"

Poke: "Yeah! Let's get it on!"

Poke steps over to the microphone and taps on it

SONG 004 - Medley

Music starts with "Everybody needs somebody to love"

Poke: "Is this thing on? *thud*thud* We're so glad to see so many of you lovely people here tonight, and we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of the Eurofurence community who have chose to join us here in the Haunted Opera house at this time. We do sincerely hope you'll all enjoy the show, and please remember people, that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive and survive, there is one thing that you should never forget: You always have to know WHO YOU ARE! Now tell me, do you know who you are?"

Audience: "NOOOOOO!"

Poke: "You really don't know who you are?"

Audience: "NOOOOOO!"

Poke: "Then let me tell you: There is only one way to leave this miserable place! Stop being what you are not! Start being what you are! Don't be anything different!"

Audience: "HUH?"

Poke: "Everybody be somebody / Everybody be somebody else / somebody else"

Background: "(somebody else)"

Poke: "Stop being this!"

Background: "(Stop being this!)"

Poke: "It's hard to miss!"

Background: "(It's hard to miss)"

Poke: "Just be you you you / Just be you you you / Just be you you you / Just be you you you"

Poke: "Wohooo! Mika, Lori, Lionel! This is fun! Come on! Join in! Yeah! Let's sing another song! One, two, three, four!"

Song changes into "That's the way I like it"

Poke: That's the way, a-ha, a-ha / I like it, a-ha, a-ha / That's the way, a-ha, a-ha / I like it, a-ha, a-ha"

Poke: "That's the way, a-ha, a-ha / I like it, a-ha, a-ha / That's the way, a-ha, a-ha ... Wohooo! And another one! Yeah!"

Song changes into "Born in the USA"

Poke: "Sitting lonely at the hotel bar / Not a piece of naked flesh so far / Then I took another magazine / And my heart went like a dum machine - yeah"

Poke: "PORN in the USA / I saw, PORN in the USA now! / PORN in the USA / PORN in the USA"

Song changes into "Born to be alive"

Poke: "I am the hottest guy in town / but I can't find someone to get me / laid, laid, laid"

Poke: "So I have to satisfy my urge somehow / by hand before it gets to / late, late, late"

Poke: "I need Porn! Porn! Porn to be alive! / I need Porn! Porn! Porn!"

Poke: "Now, everybody, sing with me:"

Poke: "We all yiff in a yellow submarine / yellow submarine / yellow submarine"

Lori: "Poke! Poooke! That's enough! And once again, you don't get it: This is the ending song! Ending songs are supposed to be noble and spectacular! And all you do is sing about porn and yiffing! Stop the music! I SAID, STOP THE MUSIC!"

music stops

Lori: "Now, be quiet, and let me show you how it's done!"

Music starts again with "Don't cry for me, argentina"

Lori: "It was not easy, but as it seems / the efforts we made ... have paid off / we succeeded in freeing these souls that were lost"

Lori: "Now we can go home / back to our friends we've been missing so much, for so long / Going home ..."

Lori: "Oh, Poke! Isn't this beautiful? I'm so glad we made it!"

Poke sneaks up on Lori

Poke: Don't cry for her, furry fandom! / The truth is she never loved you! / with all your perverts / and all your fanboys / and all your flamewars / She never liked you"

lights out

Lori: "*hhhhrgns* Poke! That's not true! What shall the neighbours think? Pooooke! Come back! Poooooke! *raaaaaaaaaaargh*"

Scene 4 - The Red Button

Puppets: Poke, Lionel, Lori, Mika
Props: Red Button on the right, Puppeteers wear costumes!
Stage: Opera hall
Sections: B
Setting: A red buzzer button is on the stage
Music: SONG 005 - Muppets Theme
Sounds:
SFX 1000 - Tam-ta-dam-dam
SFX 1001 - Tam-ta-dam-dam-daa
SFX 1002 - Klaxon sounds, motors running, buldup .... BANG! HISSSSS! CRASH!

Pupeteers need hilarious outfits, the stage must be clean for the end scene.

Light - yellow, white

AMBIENCE 011 - Birds chirping

Lionel (looking around): "Hah! Look at this! They're all gone. Nothing but free souls!"

Poke: "Yeah! Fucking great. They're all zapped home and *we* are still stuck here!"

Mika: "Yes. How to get *ourselves* out of here is the only thing we did't find out."

Lori: "Uh, guys? The ..."

Mika: "So, what are we going to do?"

Lori: "But ..."

Nobody cares about Lori

Poke: "The one important thing you should do when you're stuck is, have sex!"

Lori flinches

Poke: "It might be your last chance, after all!"

Lori: "Guys ..."

Lionel: "Nice try, Poke."

Lori: "But ..."

Lionel: "What's the matter, Lori?"

Lori: "The door is back."

SFX 1000 - Tam-ta-dam-dam

Pawpets turn to the audience

SFX 1001 - Tam-ta-dam-dam-daa

Pawpets turn to the right, then open mouth

Lionel: "What?"

Mika: "Oh ..."

Spotlight on the door

Lionel: "So ... Alright! Then *now* let's get out of here!"

Mika: "Finally!"

Lori: "Yaaay!"

unlock the front panel of the stage

Poke: "Oh, look! Another button!"

Poke goes over to the red button

Lionel: "Poke, don't even think of it! It's a *red* button. And I suppose it's red for a *reason*!"

Mika: "No!"

Lori: "Poke! Stop!"

Poke smashes the button and the stage falls down

SFX 1002 - Klaxon sounds, motors running, buldup .... BANG! HISSSSS! CRASH!

Puppeteers sit behind the stage, wearing the most hilarious outfits you can think of

lights out

rebuild stage

SONG 005 - Muppets Theme

CURTAIN CALL!