toaster jokes

What if ... would build toasters?

This is a collection of toaster jokes I found out there in the wide wide internet. Many thanks to all the people and creatures that have created them. I don't have an idea about the copyright here. I definitly don't have it :-) Have fun:

They would do everything the apple does, but the size of the sony one and for half the price.
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market sharewould only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.
14 Consultants would be assigned to help you place the toast in the slots. You would be required to create your own user manual. Once the toaster was purchased, you would be stuck with the consultants for over a year.
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years.
They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
Franklin Mint
Every month you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives with each one.
Very few people would understand how to make toast. There would be toaster geeks, in pony tails, jeans and T-shirts who would spend sixteen hours a day in front of the toaster making toast.
Everytime you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15, 000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you wanted your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
NeXT Corporation
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
They would claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.
They wouldn't want to be on the same counter-top as the rest of the appliances.
Radio Shack
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it, and you'd have to buy 4 or 5 before finding one that works right out of the box. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
the operating manual would be 10,000 pages long.
the "Toastman" would barely be larger than a slice of bread, and it could be attached to your belt.
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
Thinking Machines
You would be able to toast 64,000,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
University of Waterloo
They would immediately spin-off a company called WatToast.
Marketing would never agree upon what customers really want or need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spent in development and their toaster would be several years late. Just after release Wang would buy another company whose toasters ran on NT but would find that they got more orders for the original.
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

Emil "nobs"Obermayr